mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize