I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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