If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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