I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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