Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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