So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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