the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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