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That's how twitter works, right?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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