I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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