I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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