I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
