I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
