When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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