I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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