I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
