no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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