i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize