I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
