i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
