Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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