And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize