There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
