forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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