i need an iv and a liver transplant
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
