i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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