Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
