Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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