apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you had me at cake vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I need to calm my uterus...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
