Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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