I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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