Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
