I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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