I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
