she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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