I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
