hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
