we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
