I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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