Where did you get a picture of my penis
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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