Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
