Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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