seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
