He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
