so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
