He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize