Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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