You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
