I faked an abortion last night.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize