I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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