You just made me feel so damn special
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
