some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
