Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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