I'm going to jail i love you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
