I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
