I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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