There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
