clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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