I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
