i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
